i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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