My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
