just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
