grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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