I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
