Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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