The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
