I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Randomize
