She's JV to your varsity
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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