Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
