I haven't been this sober since birth.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
