we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Is it because I queefed?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize