Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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