I wish my penis had an off switch
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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