dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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