I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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