sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she pinky promised me she was 18
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
