My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
