This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
