i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
