She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
