Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Girls should come with a carfax report
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
