Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
