you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
