for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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