why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
