my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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