they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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