Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
