can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
