She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
