sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
