I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
