So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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