he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize