Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
