I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
