I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize