i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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