Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize