Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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