she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Why are your pants in the freezer?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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