Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
