she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize