hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
