You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
