Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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