I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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