Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I love you.
Bad choice
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