did you get engaged???
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
