Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
