I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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