Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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