At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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