He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
