It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
