I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
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