I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
