I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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