I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
