If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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