So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
